“Tears are words the heart can’t say.”
Do you ever just look in the mirror and wonder who the hell you are? I don’t mean like the fast glance you do when you’re running out the door because you’re late for school. I mean…the look you do when you’re seriously just trying to figure out who the fuck you are. There have been times when I either sit on my bed, on the floor, or stand in front of a mirror, and literally just stare. Sometimes it’s in a happy moment, a scared moment, a sad moment, or any moment at all. There have been times when I look in the mirror and I genuinely love the person staring back at me. But then there are the moments when I stare at her blankly not knowing what the heck to think.
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of three years (for reason I will explain in a later post), and I’ve found myself looking in the mirror a lot wondering who I am now? Not in a way that I lost my sense of self from this relationship, but in the way that I’m unsure of who I am to the world without the shield of a relationship. Today was the first day I’ve cried since it ended. I was doing my hair and suddenly stopped, sat on the ground, and started crying. All these memories we created, all these plans we had, just suddenly disappeared. It wasn’t until that very moment that I thought to myself “well, what the fuck now?” and that made me cry.
When you’re in a relationship, you’re protected by that status, and by that person. You suddenly become the most confident person, you don’t care what people think of you, the world around you doesn’t matter because you have this person, and the world is yours. That person thinks you’re the most beautiful girl in the world, no matter how you look or how bad of a day you’re having. You always have someone to talk to, you always have someone to do things with, to laugh with, and to share special moments with. In the moment, you never think about who you would be, or what you would do without that person; until that person is gone.
Now, as I sit on the ground crying, staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who Hayley is without the protection of her relationship? How I’m going to enjoy adventures on my own and learn to embrace every moment (good and bad). It takes a lot of balls and courage to know that there are good things to come regardless of how you feel in the moment. I know I’m beautiful inside and out, and I want to show the world that on my own without the protection of anything or anyone. So, I wipe my tears, give myself the good’ol thumbs up, and tell myself it’s going to be okay. It’s okay to let yourself feel this sadness but use it constructively in allowing yourself to grow as an individual.
There are still 24 hours in a day, seven days in a week, and 365 days in a year. Plenty of time to do all the things you had planned and become the person you were meant to become.
To anyone going through a breakup, keep your chin up! ❤️